Eleanor “Nelly” Parke Custis, to whom George Washington wrote the letter excerpted in the previous post, remarked to her friend Elizabeth Bordley that when her two older sisters married: “I shall be—Miss Custis— … Strange most passing strange.” She was referring to the custom for the oldest unmarried daughter in a family, now Nelly, to be addressed as “Miss.” The teenager enjoyed the excitement of Philadelphia life so much so that her grandmother Martha wrote, “I hope when Nelly has a little more gravitie she will be a good girl. At Present—she is I fear half crazy.”

Joshua Brookes, visiting Mount Vernon when Nelly was there described her: “She appeared to be about twenty, dressed in white sprig muslin tied around her waist with a skyblue silk cord with six round balls at the end, head-dress fillet round her head and hair hanging down in ringlets between three turns of the fillet; no powder, about 5ft 4 high, middling stature and size. Silk stockings. Black shoes with large roses. She appeared modest, well-bred, intelligent, and sensible, has a piercing eye, grecian nose, made judicious remarks and conversed with propriety.”

In the following letter Nelly wrote to Elizabeth, she expressed their determination to remain spinsters in spite of the gossip that swirled around Nelly.

Mount Vernon, August 20 [1797]I am astonished my Dear at the report you mention … I wish the world would not be so extremely busy, & impertinent. E P Custis desires not its notice, & would thank those meddling reporters never to mention her name.I wish they would also allow her to marry who she pleases without perpetually engaging her to those whom she never had a chance of marrying, & never wished to be united to. The opinion of the wise (that friendship alone cannot exist between two young persons of different sexes) is very erroneous & ridiculous. I know it by experience, which is by far a better teacher than any of those, who pretend to know so much. I shall ever feel an interest & sincere regard for my young adopted Brother [George Washington de Lafayette]—but as to being in love with him it is entirely out of the question. Therefore I shall certainly never be engaged or married to him—as whoever is my Husband I must first love him with all my Heart—that is not romantically, but esteem & prefer him before all others, that Man I am not yet acquainted with—perhaps never may be, if so—then I remain E P Custis Spinster for life.
I am a good deal surprised at the matrimonial news but Wonders never will cease. You are right not to think of making your choice this year as you have had so many bad precedents. The people of this earth how sadly have they degenerated—the next generation I think, & hope will be better (because they can hardly be worse than the present)…. E P Custis

The letter appears in In the Words of Women, page 186. The Joshua Brookes quote is from “George Washington’s Beautiful Nelly” by Donald Jackson, American Heritage February 1977, Volume 28, Issue 2. The image is from The Republican Court: Eleanor “Nelly” Parke Custis Lewis (www.librarycompany.org).

When George Washington decided it was time to settle down he courted and married Martha Dandridge Custis, a wealthy young widow. It was a long and happy marriage although the pair had no children of their own.

By her first husband Daniel Parke Custis, Martha had a son, John Parke Custis, who married Eleanor Calvert. The couple had four children. When John died, the two older daughters, Elizabeth (Betsey) and Martha (Patsy) remained with their mother who remarried. The other two children, Eleanor (Nelly) and George Washington Parke, were formally adopted by George Washington and lived with their grandparents, although they often enjoyed extended visits with their mother.

George Washington was a loving grandfather to his wife’s progeny. He even went so far as to offer the girls advice on love and marriage. In a departure from this blog’s emphasis on the writings of women during the Revolution and beyond, this post includes excerpts from a letter George Washington wrote to Nelly, the attractive and popular young woman who enjoyed the social whirl. I love this letter written by Washington at Philadelphia to Nelly at Mount Vernon where she was to spend the summer; it goes far to soften popular image of Washington as the stern, starchy general and first president.

Philadelphia 21st Mar. 1796My dear Nelly,
…. A hint here; men & women feel the same inclinations towards each other now that they always have done, and which they will continue to do until there is a new order of things. And you, as others have done, may find perhaps, that the passions of your sex are easier roused than allayed. Do not therefore boast too soon, nor too strongly, of your insensibility to, or resistance of its powers.

In the composition of the human frame there is a good deal of inflaminable matter; however dormant it may be for a while, and, like an intimate acquaintance of yours, when the torch is put to it, that which is within you may burst into a blaze; for which reason, and especially too, as I have entered on the chapter of advices I will read you a lecture drawn from this text.

Love is said to be an involuntary passion and it is therefore contended that it cannot be resisted. This is true, in part only; for like all things else when nourished and supplied plentifully with [aliment,] it is rapid in its progress; but let these be withdrawn and it may be stifled in its birth or much stunted in its growth.

For example–a woman (the same with the other sex) all beautiful & accomplished will, while her hand & heart are undispared of [turn] the heads, and set the Circle in which [s]he moves on him.

Let her marry, and what is the consequence? The madness ceases and all is quiet again: Why? not because there is any diminuation in the charm[s] of the lady but because there is an end of hope. Hence it follows that love may and therefore that it ought to be under the guidance of reason. For although we cannot avoid first impressions, we may assuredly place them under guard; and my motives in treating on this subject are to show you, “whilst you remain Eleanor [Parke] Custis Spinster, and retain the resolution to love with moderation” the propriety of adhering to the latter; at least until you have secured your game, and the way by which it is to be accomplished.

When the fire is beginning to kindle, and your heart growing warm, propound these questions to it. Who is the invader? Have I competent knowledge of him? Is he a man of good character? A man of sense? For be assured a sensible woman can never be happy with a fool. What has been his walk in life? Is he a gambler? a spendthrift, a drunkard? Is his fortune sufficient to maintain me in the manner I have been accustomed to live, and my sisters do live? and is he one to whom my friends can have no reasonable objection? If these interrogations can be satisfactorily answered there will remain but one more to be asked; that however is an important one. Have I sufficient ground to conclude that his affections are enjoyed by me? Without this, the heart of sensibility will struggle against a passion that is not reciprocated; delicacy, custom, or call it by what epithet you will having precluded all advances on your part, the declaration without the most indirect invitation on yours must proceed from the man to render it permanent & valuable. And nothing short of good sense, and an easy unaffected conduct can draw the line between prudery & coquetry ….

[B]est regards are presented to your Mama, Dr. Stuart & family, and every blessing, among which a good husband when you want & deserve one, is bestowed on you by Your affectionate
Go. Washington

The letter appeared in George Washington Parke Custis’s Recollections of Washington (Philadelphia, 1861), pages 41-44, and was reprinted in John C. Fitzpatrick’s Writings of Washington, vol. 34, pp. 91-93. There are fragments of the original manuscript in the Bodleian Library at Oxford University. A twentieth-century, typed transcript, apparently made by a private owner of the manuscript before it became fragmented, exists in the library of the Mount Vernon Ladies’ Association. A comparison shows that Custis silently emended his grandfather’s capitalization, spelling, and punctuation, and eliminated parts of the letter that did not pertain to the subject of love and marriage. The excerpts that appear in this post are taken from the copy of the original manuscript. The illustration can be found HERE.

Pregnancy and childbirth loomed large in the lives of eighteenth century women. Abigail Adams experienced a distressing experience in her last pregnancy. She wrote to her husband John in Philadelphia of her premonition that something was amiss.

July 9, 1777I Sit down to write you this post, and from my present feelings tis the last I shall be able to write for some time if I should do well. I have been very unwell for this week past, with Some complaints that have been new to me, tho I hope not dangerous.
I was last night taken with a shaking fit, and am very apprehensive that a life was lost, as I have no reason to day to think otherways; what may be the consequences to me, Heaven only knows. I know not of any injury to my-self, nor any thing which could occasion what I fear.
I would not Have you too much allarmd, I keep up Some Spirits yet, tho I would have you prepaird for any Event that may happen.
I can add no more than that I am in every Situation
unfeignedly Yours, Yours.

Abigail wrote another letter to John the following day.

Tis now 48 Hours since I can say I really enjoyed any Ease, nor am I ill enough to summons any attendance unless my sisters. Slow, lingering & troublesome is the present situation. The Dr. encourages me to Hope that my apprehensions are groundless respecting what I wrote you yesterday, tho I cannot say I had any reason to allter my mind—my spirits However are better than they were yesterday, and I almost wish I had not let that Letter go. If there should be agreeable News to tell you, you shall know it as soon as the post can convey it, I pray Heaven that it may be soon or it seems to me I shall be worn out. I must lay my pen down this moment, to bear what I cannot fly from—and now I have endured it I reassume my pen and will lay by all my own feelings and thank you for your obligeing Letters.

In case you missed it, when Abigail wrote “I must lay my pen down this moment,” she was experiencing the onset of labor—”what I cannot fly from.” In a subsequent letter to her husband, Abigail wrote that she had delivered a still-born child, a much-hoped-for daughter: “[A] life I know you value, has been spaired … altho the dear Infant is Numbered with its ancestors.” She noted that “no one was so much affected with the loss of it as its Sister [Nabby] who mournd in tears for Hours.”

Letters are from In the Words of Women, pages 172-73.